1. 20 May


    How do you keep me so close? You’re not even around
    You’re a million miles away, but I just can’t escape the sound of your voice
    When you say you’ll always love me, but you just can’t figure it out

     

  2. 24 Jan



    You can only cry about your mess of a failed relationship to your friends so many times before you get a little crazy, and as amazing as they are, they get tired of your crazy. You overanalyze where things went wrong, what you could’ve done better, why the other party sucks beyond reason. You wonder about every new gal who wanders into their lives, and get all sorts of creepy. I’ll admit it. I got a little crazy. And stayed crazy for quite a while, too. The constant behind it all was a few albums, T W E N T Y T H R E E, Hello…x, Cedar & Gold. There are things about music that make you just feel infinitely better. Like it understands your thoughts without you having to explain anything at all. Even after you bitch and cry to friends, you’re still left with your own horrifying thoughts, and these albums have been the calming companion to my mind. Finally meeting the gal who wrote them was pretty awesome, and there’s that sense of closure when I realized that I’m a totally different person than the one who just bawled to her music, unable to get my shit together. No doubt, I’m still making a few questionable decisions, but you can bet that her music’s accompanying all of them as we go. I’m more sure of who I am and what I want than I’ve ever been, but I’m still figuring out where others fit into my life. Things are still a little blurry, but they’re so, so beautiful. These albums are now the soundtracks to mini-road trips to Santa Barbara. To gushing about new amazing people. To trying new amazing things. To studying and studying and studying. I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time, maybe ever. You get over that major, terrible, heartbreaking hump in life, and it really does hit you. Maybe the best hasn’t happened yet.

     

  3. 2 Nov



    Forgot how much it stings for a second there. Lesson learned, you should always go with your gut feeling.You realize how much you care when it’s suddenly gone, and you remember all of the promises that have yet to be fulfilled, the smiles and laughs and the happiness that you left there the last time around. You never imagine when you’re walking out the door that it’d be the last time, and you certainly wouldn’t have spent the hour driving back smiling to yourself like an idiot. You stop checking your phone every five minutes, but continue to be disappointed when you look back at the half-finished conversation. You wonder where it went all wrong, and what you could’ve done better. Everything you loved about him flashes back in rapid procession, from his lips to his belly button to the way he talks to the dogs. The dogs. It’s always harder when you let yourself get fond of the dogs. You give yourself a few nights to cry, and remind yourself that you’ll have to piece things back together again, sooner or later.

     

  4. 28 Sep



    Nursing programs require students to participate in community group learnings, so I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting today. I’m not even gonna beat around the bush - I was uncomfortable. Way uncomfortable. This might seem like it’s to be expected; but for someone who’s too socially awkward to ever really feel uncomfortable, it was an odd experience. People often ask how I can stand a lot of things that come with emergency medicine, with nursing, the smells of feces, urine, blood, pus, and everything in between. But no one ever asks how I can stand the emotional aspects of taking care of human beings, full of words, thoughts, actions. And that’s the part that gets me. Emergency medicine definitely calls to me because there isn’t really long term care. Patient in, patient triaged, treated, patient out. That’s what I need. Sitting there today listening to individual stories of very high ups and very low downs, I didn’t even know where to place it all. Being logical and rational is what gets me through the shitty times, and my shitty times don’t even start to compare to some of today’s stories. I’m grateful for my health and the roof over my head, and especially my goals and my dreams. I need to work on feeling, and being able to remain effective while feeling. Women are often portrayed as being over-sensitive and extremely emotional, but no one tells you what to do when you have the exact opposite problem. Isn’t there a Tina Fey sketch about this somewhere? Forever a work in progress.

     

  5. 24 Aug



    You know you’re over it when someone else mentions him and your first reaction isn’t to throw a defensive little burst of sarcasm into the conversation. Oh, what happened to so-and-so? You sounded so happy when you talked about him. And you just shrug and smile and respond Oh, you know. We just weren’t on the same page when in actuality, we weren’t even in the same book. Yeah, yeah, it’s great that you feel like he understands your goals and desires, your schedules, your weirdness that you don’t let most people see. But I’m starting to think that’s not as unique as Hollywood and Disney, aka the two biggest contributors to female misconceptions, make it out to be. You get that weird rose colored glasses thing going on when you think you’ve fallen, and you just brush off things you normally wouldn’t. So what if you haven’t spoken in over a week, people are busy! So what if it’s a total case of undercover lover, some people are just super private. So what if he has no desire to be a part of your world, and if he has no desire to have you be a part of his? So-freakin-what.


    Here’s the what. It’s supposed to be better. Get rid of that tunnel vision because it’s just ridiculous. You don’t just settle for what you think is “right”, even when everything screams that it’s wrong. It makes no sense at all. In all honesty, there’s no reason to be upset, because it really just amounts to terrible miscommunication. And apparently, it happens sometimes. I can spend all that energy into convincing people I don’t need anyone, much less a man. Then I realize, I don’t really have to. Because I’ve realized it. And I don’t need a designated someone.

    I know I’m a lot to handle sometimes. The men who really get me are few and far between, but bless their roomy loving hearts. To understand that the things that come out of my mouth are pretty much direct correlations to the thoughts in my head. And that sometimes I don’t initiate conversation for days, and only respond to text messages because I feel like I should. A lot of my conversations start with reasons why patients’ poop smells the way it did, and I’m pop culturally retarded. I couldn’t care less that this is what I occasionally come across as…

    Really, I have no shame. 
    But then there’s everything else. I’m ready to exchange the regular conversations, the inside jokes, the hugs I remember for days. To make someone laugh, and feel full of affection and delicious dinners I actually love to prepare. I’m ready to love someone beautifully and wholly, not because I’m incomplete, but because I can add to something and someone already wonderful. Sometimes I still listen to the same sappy TP album over and over again, but it’s so different now. I don’t remember all the what-ifs, I’m just genuinely excited for what’s in store. Breaking my own rules about not dating doctors (but holding strong against dating actors/models/bartenders. Pat on the back for this one), and giving happiness a solid shot. Could be a shot into the dark, but at least I’ll be able to differentiate the dark from the light, instead of wandering blindly. And it’s about damn time.
     

  6. 22 Aug



    Loving this summertime goodness.

     

  7. 19 Aug



    And all was right in the world.

    Talk about beautiful moments. Everything is calm and happy, you feel beautiful and loved, happy and proud of the day that went by, excited and driven for the days to come. Waiting for noon Monday for one week off for some downtime and more amazing moments.

     

  8. 26 Apr



    So I’m not sure what makes it okay to brush off an effort to communicate as “silly” but it might as well have been a personality equivalent of freakin’ herpes because I don’t think I’ve felt so irritatingly repulsed by a man in a while. I realize that I am young, but it’s nothing but condescending when youth is paralleled to stupidity. This is where I put a stop to a trend in my life… A trend where I date physically attractive men who think I’m funny or quirky enough to step in and fill a void, or complete their lives, but seem to be incapable of appreciating me as a whole. I know this sounds whiny, like Really? Am I really complaining about dating attractive men? Not so much complaining, more like trying to grasp an understanding. When someone insists that they’re ready for “complete honesty” it apparently means that they couldn’t be further from being ready for anything resembling complete honesty and will most definitely freak out after hearing things they don’t want to hear. If there’s anything I’ve learned about people, it’s that looks will fade, money does not compensate for a lack of personality or a lack of respect, and bad habits rarely just disappear. I realize I’m not perfect. I’m weird, and I can own it - I lack a filter between my brain and my mouth a lot of times, I know way too many Taylor Swift songs by heart, I’m a little obsessive, my love of tacos and ice cream will forever keep me from being super thin, my sense of humor is borderline offensive, and it’s easier for me to compartmentalize things because it’s simpler than dealing with the complications of really connecting to someone. I got a little shifty eyed at the thought of trying to commit, and it just didn’t feel right.

    But then you meet someone and a switch flips. It’s like… I’m ready. A teeny part of me is still afraid, wondering if I knowingly make the same mistakes, but for the most part… I don’t care. I’m ready to move forward. Taking the first step in the right direction by cutting out everything that is unnecessary and just. plain. stupid!

     

  9. 3 Apr



    Nothing like some time away from the routine to kick you back into gear. To remind you that your friends are the best. That things are the way they should be.

     

  10. 12 Mar



    “I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

    Audrey Hepburn


    Happy Monday! So excited for this week. Leaving behind all the negativity you find when you least expect it and looking forward to all the awesomeness that awaits!

     

  11. 9 Mar


    Sometimes I just want to spend nights in. Not all nights. But these nights. I rarely get to sit down and draw anything anymore, I love it when I can. 

    Sometimes I just want to spend nights in. Not all nights. But these nights. I rarely get to sit down and draw anything anymore, I love it when I can. 

     

  12. 7 Mar



    Twenty two going on thirty five in a week and I am fairly excited. This time last year, I had a quarter life crisis - anxious about the direction of my education and career, the stability of my family, and my health. Not knowing where I’d go to school in the long run freaked me out, and giving up traveling to be a full time student seemed to be a mistake.  I couldn’t figure out why the man I was with was the way he was, and for the first time ever, walked away without fully understanding the reasoning behind so many things. Not being on track with the five year plan I put together at nineteen made me doubt a whole lot of things, and to be honest, I was a little neurotic. 

    Looking back on things now, it looks as if everything worked out for the best. I did my fair share of couch-hopping, job hunting, and school searching, and I couldn’t have asked for things to turn out better than they have. The low points were seriously low, but now there is a consistency and leveling out in my life which makes things so much easier. I think the biggest difference between where I am now and where I was then is that I’ve learned to let things go and to relax. No doubt that I’m still a little antsy, but reminding myself of the bigger pictures has made it easier to smile. To breathe. To laugh. To appreciate. To enjoy. To remember. To share. To prioritize. Those five year “plans” don’t really work out, do they? It’s impossible to predict what will occur from year to year, even day to day, and knowing that some things are still spontaneous makes me happy. You figure out what you want, what it takes to achieve it, and what you’re willing to do to make it happen. I say this so many times, I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but I’m blessed with wonderful people who are supportive and understanding. I’m fully aware of how much they enhance my life. You embrace the people who are true and let go of ones who bring you down. I’ve learned that everything falls into place, and it’s definitely the process that’s worthwhile. 

     

  13. 20 Feb



    Got the chance to check out LA Zine Fest (www.lazinefest.com) earlier today, and I was super excited about seeing all of the wonderful art people compacted into little books! Perused for hours, got to meet Charlyne Yi (girlcrush alert!), walk around downtown LA, eat at Cole’s, pick up macaroons from Bottega Louie, run across wonderful strangers, and spend a little quality time with Mashanda and Ben, who constantly remind me of how beautiful love is. So grateful for the amazing day, and so in love with my life.