1. Who knew that moving on would be so therapeutic?
    An end to a chapter, this one’s called Song Number Six.
    You tell me your story, I take it all in
    Every fear, every broken promise, every sin.
    I watched you bring those walls down
    I never thought you could keep me around.

    But it’s never that simple, there’s no sure way
    It’s too easy to push ourselves away.
    Give me a hug and a smile,
    I’ll see you every once in a while

    The smoke clears from my eyes
    And I think about how time just flies
    As I make my way down the winding road
    I know I’ve found my way home.
    Could’ve been lost, could’ve been hurt,
    Instead, it’s just a lesson learned.
    Could’ve been me, could’ve been you,
    The dust has settled, but to you I’ll always be true.

    Look up, I’ll be looking down
    I’ll be looking out
    I’ll be looking out.

    I’m writing my own story today
    And you’ve got your very own page.
    When you seek out a friend,
    I promise I won’t bend.

    This flame won’t burn out that easy,
    It’ll burn unconditionally
    When you feel defeated by life’s fight
    Come here, and look for the light.
     

  2. It’s funny how the universe hands you a little breath of fresh air when you feel like your days are weighing you down. The past week was starting to sit on my shoulders and this text brought a genuine smile to my face. Fully appreciating another person really does come full circle, and I’m so glad I got to reconnect with this beautiful being of a friend. 

     

  3. This was an interesting read.

    While I’m hesitant to seriously take advice from a man who hasn’t been married for very long, his points are valid. I fully support this concept of individual freedom in a relationship. I’ve always thought that pairing up with someone should nurture your individuality, inspired by your partner to achieve your full potential. More often than not, I run across people who view a monogamous relationship as something that stifles them, and this I can’t quite understand. If you designate someone as being the one worthy of your time and love, shouldn’t they also be someone who encourages you to reach for the stars? Someone who recognizes the greatness of your dreams, who wants to witness the success and support you through the tougher times?

    I realize that it’s not so cut and dry. There are so many fundamental blocks to be laid out before you can fully be someone’s teammate - trust being an essential one. The only relationships I found stifling were the ones where trust was no where to be found, and in hindsight, I should’ve known that any relationship, successful or otherwise, is impossible without being able to fully trust your partner. To know that at the end of the day, no matter what might have happened, they are the one to be in your corner and you in theirs. Relationships aren’t about monopolizing another’s time or body, it’s about allowing the other person to see your cracks and imperfections, walking together through the mending process, and being able to fly away to chase your dreams, knowing that you’ll return home to your partner, excited and ready to share what you’ve learned. And in turn, excited and ready to recognize what your partner has learned. Pairing yourself with someone who is capable of having their own responsibilities and aspirations instead of latching onto yours is also imperative. You want someone who can stand strong on their own two feet to walk alongside you on your joined path, not someone you have to pull along while you trudge along your own. 

    What started out as a reflection of a simple idea doesn’t really seem so simple anymore. Stepping back into the dating scene with a fresh set of eyes and a guarded heart, there are so many things that come into consideration. Today, I reconnected with someone I was involved with briefly and in the midst of small talk, one of the first things he said was “I never should have let you go.” While I had nothing to say in return, it brought up a strange line of questions. Was I ever “his” for him “let go” to begin with? What exactly did he think he lost? Does that mean I also “let him go?” I guess these are all lessons to take into consideration for the future, so that I learn from my past on this journey forward. It’s gonna be an interesting one. 

     
  4. My friends drive me absolutely crazy and I wouldn’t know what unconditional caring was without them. I’m a seriously lucky girl, drowning in gratitude.

     

  5. You drunkenly spent a comical fifteen minutes trying to convince me that I should never leave you. I’m not saying it’s gonna be great. But I won’t leave. I don’t want you to leave, you explained. You were so confused when I said I couldn’t believe you, and I knew there’s no arguing with a drunk man, so I laughed it off. You think you have to protect yourself, but I’ll protect you, you insisted.

    Another thirty minutes, trying to convince me that you didn’t deserve to have someone like me in your life. You are nice to me. Why would you want to ruin your life with *this*, you asked.
    It wasn’t so comical anymore.
     Even when you’re in your inebriated state of confusion, I can’t stand to have you wallow in self-hatred. I spent the next two hours reminding you of the greatness I see in you. That I understood exactly what we have, all of its jarring, messy imperfections, no expectations. Tell me one thing you like about yourself, I threw out repeatedly. And when you failed to answer, I responded for you. You are hilarious. You are intelligent. You create beautiful music that touches people’s hearts. You finally fell asleep after allowing yourself to believe that I adored you.

    What seemed like “five or six days” to you has actually been the better part of a month straight. We’ve spent all but three, maybe four nights together since this new year began. Countless hours over the months before this. Whole days of conversations and laughs. And I can honestly say that I began to see the beautiful person I always suspected you were. What comes as the slightest surprise to me is that you still don’t know the person I am. Honesty is the one thing that keeps us in motion, and we’ve lost it somewhere along the way. I’ve never been the person who’s capable of inflicting discomfort on someone I hold near, and it’s been a plague on this little ole heart of mine. It’s funny how one slip of the text can reveal some of your true colors. I called this evening because I did want to apologize for an honest mistake. I didn’t weigh in the possibility of you proving to me, yet again, that there are shades of you that still fail to respect me as a person. And it’s definitely a hard pill to swallow, mostly because I don’t even think it’s intentional. Why this bothers me from someone who I share no real commitment with, I’m not sure.

    I know how you prefer to fall asleep. How you hate the cold. How you constantly need to occupy yourself by chewing your nails and drinking anything but water. How you like to eat late night junk food instead of meals. How you throw on your clothes in the morning just before you leave for work. How you crave attention but avoid people. How you watch movies and repeat lines you think are funny.
    You know how I prefer to fall asleep. How I walk annoyingly slowly when I’m not focused. How I hate dirty dishes in the sink. How I push people to be better. How I love the way crunchy leaves sound when I step on them. How I always forget to put my glasses on before I actually start driving. How I un-ironically like Katy Perry. 

    And yet we still haven’t figured each other out.

    And because I need to respect myself, we probably never will.

    You are really nice to me. Why? Don’t you get sick of my shit? You once asked. No, “your shit”, I can understand. The person you became when we spoke last, I cannot. Saying you don’t deserve to have me in your life is the most honest thing you’ve done. And realizing that for myself is one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to make in a long time.

     
  6. Clearly, I’m bringin’ sexy back✌

     
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  8. It is weirding me out just how quickly time is passing. Can you believe that this year is almost halfway over?

     
  9. How do you keep me so close? You’re not even around
    You’re a million miles away, but I just can’t escape the sound of your voice
    When you say you’ll always love me, but you just can’t figure it out

     
     

  10. You can only cry about your mess of a failed relationship to your friends so many times before you get a little crazy, and as amazing as they are, they get tired of your crazy. You overanalyze where things went wrong, what you could’ve done better, why the other party sucks beyond reason. You wonder about every new gal who wanders into their lives, and get all sorts of creepy. I’ll admit it. I got a little crazy. And stayed crazy for quite a while, too. The constant behind it all was a few albums, T W E N T Y T H R E E, Hello…x, Cedar & Gold. There are things about music that make you just feel infinitely better. Like it understands your thoughts without you having to explain anything at all. Even after you bitch and cry to friends, you’re still left with your own horrifying thoughts, and these albums have been the calming companion to my mind. Finally meeting the gal who wrote them was pretty awesome, and there’s that sense of closure when I realized that I’m a totally different person than the one who just bawled to her music, unable to get my shit together. No doubt, I’m still making a few questionable decisions, but you can bet that her music’s accompanying all of them as we go. I’m more sure of who I am and what I want than I’ve ever been, but I’m still figuring out where others fit into my life. Things are still a little blurry, but they’re so, so beautiful. These albums are now the soundtracks to mini-road trips to Santa Barbara. To gushing about new amazing people. To trying new amazing things. To studying and studying and studying. I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time, maybe ever. You get over that major, terrible, heartbreaking hump in life, and it really does hit you. Maybe the best hasn’t happened yet.

     

  11. Forgot how much it stings for a second there. Lesson learned, you should always go with your gut feeling.You realize how much you care when it’s suddenly gone, and you remember all of the promises that have yet to be fulfilled, the smiles and laughs and the happiness that you left there the last time around. You never imagine when you’re walking out the door that it’d be the last time, and you certainly wouldn’t have spent the hour driving back smiling to yourself like an idiot. You stop checking your phone every five minutes, but continue to be disappointed when you look back at the half-finished conversation. You wonder where it went all wrong, and what you could’ve done better. Everything you loved about him flashes back in rapid procession, from his lips to his belly button to the way he talks to the dogs. The dogs. It’s always harder when you let yourself get fond of the dogs. You give yourself a few nights to cry, and remind yourself that you’ll have to piece things back together again, sooner or later.

     

  12. Nursing programs require students to participate in community group learnings, so I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting today. I’m not even gonna beat around the bush - I was uncomfortable. Way uncomfortable. This might seem like it’s to be expected; but for someone who’s too socially awkward to ever really feel uncomfortable, it was an odd experience. People often ask how I can stand a lot of things that come with emergency medicine, with nursing, the smells of feces, urine, blood, pus, and everything in between. But no one ever asks how I can stand the emotional aspects of taking care of human beings, full of words, thoughts, actions. And that’s the part that gets me. Emergency medicine definitely calls to me because there isn’t really long term care. Patient in, patient triaged, treated, patient out. That’s what I need. Sitting there today listening to individual stories of very high ups and very low downs, I didn’t even know where to place it all. Being logical and rational is what gets me through the shitty times, and my shitty times don’t even start to compare to some of today’s stories. I’m grateful for my health and the roof over my head, and especially my goals and my dreams. I need to work on feeling, and being able to remain effective while feeling. Women are often portrayed as being over-sensitive and extremely emotional, but no one tells you what to do when you have the exact opposite problem. Isn’t there a Tina Fey sketch about this somewhere? Forever a work in progress.

     

  13. You know you’re over it when someone else mentions him and your first reaction isn’t to throw a defensive little burst of sarcasm into the conversation. Oh, what happened to so-and-so? You sounded so happy when you talked about him. And you just shrug and smile and respond Oh, you know. We just weren’t on the same page when in actuality, we weren’t even in the same book. Yeah, yeah, it’s great that you feel like he understands your goals and desires, your schedules, your weirdness that you don’t let most people see. But I’m starting to think that’s not as unique as Hollywood and Disney, aka the two biggest contributors to female misconceptions, make it out to be. You get that weird rose colored glasses thing going on when you think you’ve fallen, and you just brush off things you normally wouldn’t. So what if you haven’t spoken in over a week, people are busy! So what if it’s a total case of undercover lover, some people are just super private. So what if he has no desire to be a part of your world, and if he has no desire to have you be a part of his? So-freakin-what.


    Here’s the what. It’s supposed to be better. Get rid of that tunnel vision because it’s just ridiculous. You don’t just settle for what you think is “right”, even when everything screams that it’s wrong. It makes no sense at all. In all honesty, there’s no reason to be upset, because it really just amounts to terrible miscommunication. And apparently, it happens sometimes. I can spend all that energy into convincing people I don’t need anyone, much less a man. Then I realize, I don’t really have to. Because I’ve realized it. And I don’t need a designated someone.

    I know I’m a lot to handle sometimes. The men who really get me are few and far between, but bless their roomy loving hearts. To understand that the things that come out of my mouth are pretty much direct correlations to the thoughts in my head. And that sometimes I don’t initiate conversation for days, and only respond to text messages because I feel like I should. A lot of my conversations start with reasons why patients’ poop smells the way it did, and I’m pop culturally retarded. I couldn’t care less that this is what I occasionally come across as…

    Really, I have no shame. 
    But then there’s everything else. I’m ready to exchange the regular conversations, the inside jokes, the hugs I remember for days. To make someone laugh, and feel full of affection and delicious dinners I actually love to prepare. I’m ready to love someone beautifully and wholly, not because I’m incomplete, but because I can add to something and someone already wonderful. Sometimes I still listen to the same sappy TP album over and over again, but it’s so different now. I don’t remember all the what-ifs, I’m just genuinely excited for what’s in store. Breaking my own rules about not dating doctors (but holding strong against dating actors/models/bartenders. Pat on the back for this one), and giving happiness a solid shot. Could be a shot into the dark, but at least I’ll be able to differentiate the dark from the light, instead of wandering blindly. And it’s about damn time.
     

  14. Loving this summertime goodness.

     

  15. And all was right in the world.

    Talk about beautiful moments. Everything is calm and happy, you feel beautiful and loved, happy and proud of the day that went by, excited and driven for the days to come. Waiting for noon Monday for one week off for some downtime and more amazing moments.