You drunkenly spent a comical fifteen minutes trying to convince me that I should never leave you. I’m not saying it’s gonna be great. But I won’t leave. I don’t want you to leave, you explained. You were so confused when I said I couldn’t believe you, and I knew there’s no arguing with a drunk man, so I laughed it off. You think you have to protect yourself, but I’ll protect you, you insisted.
Another thirty minutes, trying to convince me that you didn’t deserve to have someone like me in your life. You are nice to me. Why would you want to ruin your life with *this*, you asked.
It wasn’t so comical anymore. Even when you’re in your inebriated state of confusion, I can’t stand to have you wallow in self-hatred. I spent the next two hours reminding you of the greatness I see in you. That I understood exactly what we have, all of its jarring, messy imperfections, no expectations. Tell me one thing you like about yourself, I threw out repeatedly. And when you failed to answer, I responded for you. You are hilarious. You are intelligent. You create beautiful music that touches people’s hearts. You finally fell asleep after allowing yourself to believe that I adored you.
What seemed like “five or six days” to you has actually been the better part of a month straight. We’ve spent all but three, maybe four nights together since this new year began. Countless hours over the months before this. Whole days of conversations and laughs. And I can honestly say that I began to see the beautiful person I always suspected you were. What comes as the slightest surprise to me is that you still don’t know the person I am. Honesty is the one thing that keeps us in motion, and we’ve lost it somewhere along the way. I’ve never been the person who’s capable of inflicting discomfort on someone I hold near, and it’s been a plague on this little ole heart of mine. It’s funny how one slip of the text can reveal some of your true colors. I called this evening because I did want to apologize for an honest mistake. I didn’t weigh in the possibility of you proving to me, yet again, that there are shades of you that still fail to respect me as a person. And it’s definitely a hard pill to swallow, mostly because I don’t even think it’s intentional. Why this bothers me from someone who I share no real commitment with, I’m not sure.
I know how you prefer to fall asleep. How you hate the cold. How you constantly need to occupy yourself by chewing your nails and drinking anything but water. How you like to eat late night junk food instead of meals. How you throw on your clothes in the morning just before you leave for work. How you crave attention but avoid people. How you watch movies and repeat lines you think are funny.
You know how I prefer to fall asleep. How I walk annoyingly slowly when I’m not focused. How I hate dirty dishes in the sink. How I push people to be better. How I love the way crunchy leaves sound when I step on them. How I always forget to put my glasses on before I actually start driving. How I un-ironically like Katy Perry.
And yet we still haven’t figured each other out.
And because I need to respect myself, we probably never will.
You are really nice to me. Why? Don’t you get sick of my shit? You once asked. No, “your shit”, I can understand. The person you became when we spoke last, I cannot. Saying you don’t deserve to have me in your life is the most honest thing you’ve done. And realizing that for myself is one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to make in a long time.